iseesingledigits

another summer isnt going to go by without me wearing my short shorts, and short sleeved or sleeveless tops

the first thing to know about me

just had this realisation and i figured if i dont post it now, i wud never make an attempt again.

i figured out one reason why i have not been able to succesfully lose all the weight, and its because of my thoughts and views and perceptions.
i realised that everytime i see someone the first thing i try to check for is whether or not they are fat, or thick, or obese. so when i first meet a person whether male or female i access them from head to toe and check out how big or fat they are, and this is one of my flaws. after accessing them i decide on whether or not they look better than me, and if they do i try to measure the gap. For example i weigh the gap between our looks, i check and say maybe this person is a 10 and im an 8, or maybe im an 8 and this person is a 10 then i decide on whether or not i would become friends with them or not, or even talk to them or not. im so happy that i realized this because its the biggest fkaw in my way of thinking, the way i criticize boys for being all about how a girl looks is also the exact same way i look at people, and im constantly, i say it again constantly comparing myself to them, even if we are in a situation that has nothing to do with looks i am forever running a compare sheet in my brain. i think i realised this today because, i have an actual fear of rebloging pictures or files that involves fat people. no matter how good a person looks the moment i look at a picture and see that they are fat or what not i totally dismiss them, and this has to stop. THE BIGGEST REASON I CANT LOSE MY WEIGHT SUCCESFULLY IS BECAUSE I STILL HAVENT ACCEPTED IN MY MIND THE FACT THAT I AM A FAT PERSON TOO. even though i weigh around 190 in my mind im small, because my stomach is not as big or my waist is not as wide as a typical 190 pound person i think im small and that 190 is just a way to decieve me. i have let myself believe all the people that have said “you are not realy fat”. so i take that back today, I AM A FAT GIRL THAT NEEDS TO LOOSE WEIGHT AND GET SERIOUS ABOUT IT. everytime i see a fat girl that is saying shes proud of being fat i laugh and say “you are dumb, and i use health as an a=excuse and say’ “your health is at risk instead of saying ” go on girl get it”. so from today i apologize for being this fat girl in denial and i pledge to actually work on loosing this weight, and that every time i see a fat girl instead of criticising her, i would first of all imagine myself in her shoes.

that one question i have no answer to

How do people have confidence? i dont know why i can never get or understandand the answer to this question. from experience i kno that CONFIDENCE is the shit, and its the one thing that u can have and nobody dare take away from you. you might look like shit, smell like fuck, be broke as a joke and theres something about being confident that makes everything seem like a walk in the park. i dont know what it is that brings about confidence, but im hell bent on finding it. This summer is all about making myself a better me, and one thing i know for sure that i lack is CONFIDENCE, and its more annoying now because its becoming more obvious and people can actually tell. so for this first week, i am going to be working on getting to know myself. That means that i would create me times (like when im on that long train ride home), and get to know myself more. think about what my strengths and weaknesses are, and then figure out what the goal for next week would be. so this week is the GET TO KNOW ME week.